cause these words are knives and often leave scars
by DeanGirl2Y5
Summary: "Later when he was alone in his room, he smiled in his mirror. His smile was painful and self-aware. Luck. Pure, dumb luck. His smile fell, and he threw the nearest object at the mirror. It only cracked." Or; the fall of Naegi Makoto. prequel to "i am the mastermind (underline mastermind)"


_**WARNINGS: Contains cheating, referenced blood and gore, character death, and implied brainwashing.**_ Also spoilers for Danganronpa 3: The End of Hope's Peak Academy Side Despair. I also kinda reference (keyword: kinda) _Makoto Naegi Secret File: Naegi Makoto, Jinsei Saiaku no Hi_ ( _Naegi Makoto, The Worst Day of My Life_ ). I'd thought about including some of the events in here, but I didn't know how. Plus, it's long enough as it is. You can actually read the summary on the Danganronpa Wiki.

 **A/N:** Welcome to _i am the mastermind (underline mastermind)_ Side Naegi!

Honestly, this fic wasn't planned in the original trilogy. The series was originally going to be "open the walls, play with your dolls (we'll be a perfect family)", "intelligent by design (it makes me wanna cry)", and end with "made it to the end of you (never had a chance while i'm around)." But, of course, my brain wouldn't leave me alone, and a trilogy turned into a four parter, with a fifth part (the one you're about to read) focusing on Naegi Makoto's descent into despair.

I had also planned on leaving his despair backstory to your imagination (since I've read _a lot_ of despair!Makoto, mastermind!Makoto, and SHSL Despair!Makoto, and I wasn't sure what more I could bring to the table), but I got to the end of "you're guaranteed to run this town (i'd pay to see you frown)", and my mind just ran wild, adding to an already eight-page long fic (according to AO3, it's currently 2,933 words). So I just made it it's own fic.

Some characters, specifically, Makoto & Junko, are (probably) OOC (blame my inner Naeshima shipper!). Title comes from "This Is Gospel" by Panic! At the Disco. (help me, I'm obsessed with P!ATD! XD) I thought it kinda fit the story. Let me know what you think.

Also, as you can probably tell (and see), this is pretty much "open the walls, play with your dolls (we'll be a perfect family)," just from Makoto's perspective.  
Constructive criticism welcomed and appreciated!

* * *

 _This is gospel for the vagabonds,_  
 _Ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards_  
 _Confessing their apostasies_  
 _Led away by imperfect impostors_  
 _Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_

 _Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_  
 _Don't try to sleep through the end of the world_  
 _And bury me alive_  
 _'Cause I won't give up without a fight_

 _ **"This Is Gospel" - Panic! At The Disco**_

Naegi Makoto was ordinary.

He liked curry and trendy things (whatever was popular, he liked it), and he hated dried mackerel and dried bean curd. He even looked normal, with his desaturated brown hair with a prominent ahoge, thin and petite build, and washed-out hazel eyes. He even had a crush on a certain musician who just so happened to be a former classmate of his before she hit the big time with her singing group.

He was optimistic, though, and he felt that was the only thing he had going for him.

His younger sister, Komaru, was also ordinary. As you can probably guess, his family was about as ordinary as you could get.

They were the textbook example of ordinary.

But, one particular day (a day where everything went wrong, in his opinion at least), everything changed.

 **/**

Luck.

He was attending Hope's Peak Academy, the best school in the country, as this year's Ultimate Lucky Student.

He never thought he'd be attending the school. That was a dream come true (the students who graduate from there were almost certainly guaranteed success in life, after all).

He never thought of _luck_ as a talent. Being gifted at music, _that_ was a talent. Same with cooking, cleaning, and drawing. But _luck?_

Part of him wanted to vomit.

But his parents were _smiling_ and _congratulating him,_ so he smiled too.

Later when he was alone in his room, he smiled in his mirror. His smile was painful and self-aware.

Luck. Pure, dumb luck.

His smile fell, and he threw the nearest object at the mirror.

It only cracked.

 **/**

He felt the harsh glares when he passed the Reserve Course students, and he looked down at his feet as he kept walking. It was his first day at Hope's Peak, and he was still tired of his "ultimate title."

 _I'd rather be with you guys instead of stuck with—_

Accidentally running into someone stopped his train of thought, knocking their books out of their hands. He knelt down and picked them up, apologizing profusely as his cheeks heated up.

 _Great way to start your first year, Naegi,_ he mentally reprimanded (there was also some sarcasm). _You bump into one of the other students._

His hand brushed the other's when they went to grab the same book, and he pulled away.

That was when he looked up and saw her.

Auburn hair with purple streaks done up in a ponytail and emerald eyes. He could see a rose gold music note necklace hanging from her neck (it was sticking out of her uniform, of course). And his first thought was _beautiful._

He looked down and kept picking up her books, still apologizing.

"It's alright," she reassured as he handed her her last book. "Naegi-kun, right?"

Makoto nodded. "And you're Sato-san, the Ultimate Cover Singer." His face heated up more. He'd looked up on the Hope's Peak Academy forum to find out who else was attending that year (AKA his classmates), and Sato Emi was on that list. She'd been in singing competitions all around the world after getting noticed in her uncle Takumi's bar. However, most of the pictures he'd seen when looking her up showed her with completely red hair, no purple to be found except on a few of her outfits.

(he wasn't a stalker! He was just curious about his fellow classmates!)

Sato nodded. "So, Naegi-kun, I believe you owe me a walk to homeroom."

Little did he realize it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

 **/**

The whole class had gone through their introductions, along with their talents, at the behest of their teacher.

Idol, swimmer, heir, wrestler, detective, fortune-teller, programmer. Fashion girl, baseball player, hall monitor, gang leader. Gambler, doujin author, literary girl, soldier, cover singer.

Makoto didn't give his talent freely, since his throat almost kept filling with bile.

 _("I'm Naegi Makoto._ Hajimemashite," _he said with a grin before changing the subject.)_

It's only when everyone was talking that Sato decided to ask, "Hey, Naegi-kun, what's your talent?"

He looked at her and turned the words over in his mind. Would she look at him differently if he told her? Would she laugh in his face before going to talk with Maizono?

Finally, he smiled faintly. "Luck," he said bitterly. "I got here by pure, dumb luck."

There was a look of understanding on Sato's face, like she could understand the curse of a label. That look made him want to know _why_ she looked at him like that.

 **/**

It took Makoto three months to realize his true feelings toward Sato.

Celes was the one who pointed it out to him, on a rare talk before gym class began. She pointed out his shy looks and blushes around the singer. That was when it hit him.

However, he didn't make a move.

Two months later, their first kiss happened right in the middle of the hallway. He didn't know who initiated it, and he didn't really care. He was floating on cloud nine.

(there were bills passed to a smirking Celestia Ludenberg behind their backs. The losers practically stormed off to their next class.)

 **/**

Enoshima Junko was talking to him.

He didn't understand why. She was the Ultimate Fashion Girl, and he was the Ultimate _Luck_ (he still spat it out like it was something rotten _because that's what it was)._

She always talked to him whenever Emi had gone off to a competition (she always won, she barely came second anymore).

 _You're special,_ the model said, like she could see how much he... _disliked_ his "talent." (he hadn't found a word strong enough for how he really feels about _luck.)_

She talked to him every single time Emi left for one of her competitions, and Makoto found himself looking forward to them, like he was an addict and she his drug.

Months later, Enoshima kissed him out of nowhere, surprising him. So much that he didn't respond, but the blond seemed okay with that and the conversations continued.

(she still kissed him, on occasion.)

One day, though, Makoto was the one who kissed Enoshima. Why he did it, he never knew. Never _would_ know.

And he freaked out so much he avoided talking to the fashionista for a week.

(he didn't see her despair-filled grin aimed his way.)

 _You cheated on Emi!_ his brain screamed, and he threw up in the bathroom. Enoshima was sitting on his bed when he came out, holding onto one of the souvenirs Emi'd gotten him one day (a snowglobe with a small Statue of Liberty right in the middle of it).

"I missed talking to you, Naegi-kun," she answered to his scared look. "Didn't you miss me?" She was pouting, and he couldn't deny that he did miss talking to her.

Despite the bile still in his throat, he apologized, "I'm sorry for kissing you, Enoshima-san. I shouldn't have done that. I mean, I'm dating Emi-chan, though. And the fact that I kissed you practically says I'm cheating on her so—"

And Enoshima kissed him again, grabbing hold of his shirt. Of course, Makoto kissed her back after recovering from the shock, one hand holding one of her twintails and the other holding her shirt. But she broke it and looked him right in the eyes.

"Friends kiss, don't they, Naegi-kun?" she asked.

 _Not like this._ He nodded, making her grin.

"Then, you're not cheating on Emi-chan."

(part of him believed her, part of him didn't. Friends didn't kiss like that.)

And he didn't feel guilty when he kissed Emi when she came back from her latest competition.

 **/**

Makoto, along with his other classmates, watched Emi's latest competition. The only ones that weren't there were Enoshima and Ikusaba Mukuro.

(a small part of him felt relieved that Enoshima wasn't there. the blond was confusing enough when they were alone together, given the fact they've started to makeout with each other.

 _It's cheating._

 _It's not cheating._

 _You're cheating on Emi._

 _I'm not cheating on Emi. I love her.)_

This time, she was singing "Tsubasa wo Kudasai," and it was giving him chills for whatever reason.

 **/**

Junko (she'd insisted on it, especially given the fact that they've become _best friends)_ had said she had a surprise for him, and she was leading him toward it. Hopefully, it would take his mind of the fact that the entire student council had been brutally murdered (he still shuddered at the thought of it).

He'd almost called Emi to talk to her about it, but he knew that her parents always held onto her phone (Sato Rule #1: No phone calls on competition days) so that was a no go. The only one he felt he could turn to was Junko.

And turn to Junko he did. Hence, the surprise.

The model was practically _skipping_ toward...wherever she was leading him, which turned out to be a statue in the middle of the school.

 _Kamakura Izuru, the founder of Hope's Peak Academy,_ his brain registered.

Right when he was about to ask Junko why exactly she brought him here, something at the base of the statue opened, revealing a set of stairs, and Junko led him down those stairs...

...and right into someone's office.

Complete with a chair, laptop, and...empty bags of food...?

Makoto was about to open his mouth to ask about them (because his father had an office, and he kept it immaculate, not a single piece of trash in sight), but Junko sat him down on the chair and tied his hands an ankles to the chair, shocking him to the core.

"What are you doing, Enoshima-san?" he asked, trying to get his hands out of the restraints.

And the model grinned and winked at him. "It's a surprise, Mako-kun. And I thought I told you that you can call me Junko-chan," she answered, pulling down a bigger screen before starting a video.

Makoto's pale hazel eyes widened in shock at the video itself, and he began to feel strange. Immediately, he began blinking and resisting the video, still trying to get his hands and ankles free.

 _It was of the Student Council, and they were killing each other!_

"No, no, we can't have that, Mako-kun! I want you to join me in beautiful despair! You and Emi-chan! I love you both, after all!"

And his eyes were suddenly held open by some object, he didn't know what. The video played on as tears flooded his eyes. He desperately wanted to look away...

 _...and yet he couldn't._

 **/**

Naegi Makoto loves Sato Emi. Everyone knows that.

Now, he loves Sato Emi _and_ Enoshima Junko _and despair._

And, after Junko unties him from the chair, Makoto kisses Junko like there's no tomorrow.

 _And Junko loves it._

 _(one down, one to go. And both of them will be mine.)_

Behind the screen watching the whole thing is a teen boy with long flowing black hair and red eyes, wearing a black suit with three white buttons (a white dress shirt is inside it), a black tie, a black belt, and black loafers.

 **/**

Junko's the one who comes up with the plan to get their Emi-chan. He watches her calculate the redhead's potential route to her room.

There's a point where they have to be apart, and Makoto both hates it and loves it. It's _despairing,_ and he almost laughs, but he doesn't.

Junko corners him a few days later while he's coming out of his room, shoves him against the wall (she loves being in control of everything, after all), and kisses him, her fingers threading through his light brown hair. His hands immediately grip her strawberry blond twintails, his eyes sliding shut.

(he feels exactly the same as he did when Emi kissed him six months ago, like he's on cloud nine, and he _loves_ it)

He opens his eyes a few seconds later to see the heartbroken face of the Ultimate Cover Singer, Sato Emi. His girlfriend's tightly holding onto her bags, her emerald eyes filled with tears.

Makoto lets his eyes fall shut again, and he loses himself in the feeling of the Ultimate Despair (that's what Junko told him she is, not just Ultimate Fashionista and Analyst) as Emi walks away from them and is knocked out by the waiting Ikusaba.

 **/**

 _In a much happier version, Naegi Makoto could've escaped and probably ran to tell a teacher about the evil Enoshima Junko and her video._

 _Or, he wouldn't've seen the video or talked to her in the first place except to ask her for notes or something. Enoshima Junko would've been thrown into prison for causing what would later be called The Tragedy of Hope's Peak Academy, and Naegi Makoto & Sato Emi would've gotten married._

 _As a result, the world wouldn't've been thrown into despair._

 _But this story doesn't have a happy ending. It's more of a..._ despair-filled ending...

 _And I'm_ very sure _both Emi-chan and Makoto-kun wouldn't have it any other way._

 _Upupupupu..._

* * *

 **Translation(s):**  
Hajimemashite - Nice to meet you.

 **FUN FACT:** The day that Makoto & Class 78 (minus Mukuro & Junko) see Emi perform at the singing competition is the day of the Student Council Killing Game AKA The Tragedy of Hope's Peak Academy. You can find the version of "Tsubasa wo Kudasai" sung by Megumi Toyoguchi (Ikusaba's Japanese VA) on YouTube. I'll also link it on my profile. They included that song in the DR3 anime. I thought it would be an interesting Easter Egg to add that song to this fic.


End file.
